Friday, August 11, 2017
Ridiculous first world/first world girl stuff vent. Allow me to get it off my chest.
This whole menopause thing pretty much sucks. I've never weighed so much in my life, but I'm not overweight although I feel it. It's mostly bloat - I feel bloated enough to float away some days! It's so frustrating. Literally the only pants I can fit into at the moment are my yoga pants, and even they're starting to become slightly uncomfortable.
And I'm fatigued. So tired I can't even think about thinking! I'm in that cycle of feeling so fatigued I just want to sleep and feeling like I've got permanent PMS, so I'm eating mostly sugar and salty (you know the drill, chocolate then chips, chocolate then chips, etc.) and then feeling worse than ever. I KNOW - genuinely, honestly, intellectually and realistically KNOW - that it's not helping. Not even a little bit. In fact, it's making things worse.
I'm contemplating another No Sugar programme, but I have enough recipes for about 3 cookbooks worth (plus three ACTUAL cookbooks) that I'm already not using, so will probably forego that and simply try to find the motivation to do it on my own.
I'm feeling frustrated that real estate feels entirely out of my reach, in every respect - my cousins and I were commiserating the other day. Even they, with a good income and dual incomes respectively both said that if they were trying to get onto the ladder now, they're pretty sure it wouldn't be possible. That makes me feel a BIT better. Certainly, though, my sister and I are feeling frustrated, feeling it felt easier in Canada, although I'm not sure that's necessarily the case anymore (depending on where you live). Whitehorse was more or less out of my reach at the time I left - I was lucky I had a fantastic landlady who valued quality tenants over rental income. My sister is getting fed up with moving around constantly but is in the position of needing a steady job to get accommodation and needing accommodation to get a steady job. I'm slightly ahead with the steady job, but it doesn't get me much further ahead as there's honestly not much out there. I've printed off paperwork to apply for council housing, but there are years' long waitlists for that although if I don't put my name on a list, I'll never be eligible. Southampton, for example, has a 7-year waitlist for one-bedroom accommodation.
I suppose I just feel I should be further ahead than I am at 50 and lodging with a cousin. You know?
Searching out people I've gone to school with doesn't help either. All the ones I've found are Successful and have Real Jobs and Careers (thanks to my mother to comparing us constantly to 'better, smarter, more polite, nicer' kids while we were growing up).
I'm bored and kind of fed up with my job but am feeling loyal to employers who are, overall, very good people. My quandary: I want to move on, but I simply don't know what I want to do.
Plus I went out for dinner last night and ate way too much. W-A-Y too much. So I'm feeling fat(ter) now.
But these moments always motivate me - to an extent - to try to do things differently, make some changes, etc. Sometimes it even works. I know I need to change, it's just picking the thing to do first.
This'll pass. It always does. I'm really yearning, though, to have my own space again - wholly, totally, entirely my own. But what I have to gather right at the moment is patience. Another year and I think I'll be closer to that. I keep looking, and looking is fun, which keeps me going.
Thanks for the ear!