Saturday, June 6, 2015

More changes and stuff...



One of the breathtaking cakes created at Choccywoccydoodah in Brighton.

Two more weeks of work to go! I still regret (a bit) not negotiating the 12th June instead of the 19th, but here I am, with the end in sight - at last! I don't feel unhappy about it at all and am looking forward to simply not being at work. I'm planning at least a couple of weeks off, just to relax and try to organize my thoughts and my plans and spend time doing a bit of sightseeing around the area. My sister has suggested I go to France and visit her (in Toulouse) for a few days, which I'm seriously thinking about. I just have to try to justify the expense, although I can get pretty cheap flights out of London. I haven't been anywhere 'international' yet, so the lure is definitely there. Hmm..

I saw a psychic last Friday which was great! She was lovely and the reading was very positive overall, and actually mirrored my reading in January in several aspects which I found quite neat. Namely, my current job and the fact it's not for me, I'll be moving onto another one that is and which will include learning (possibly a language!), and a new, proper love. Horses were mentioned, money was mentioned, travel/work 'over water' was mentioned (she seems convinced I'll be moving back to Canada for work and not too far in the future. I don't believe this or, rather, I don't WANT to believe this...not yet, at least). I recorded this one as well, so it will be interesting to spend some time reviewing and seeing what information overlaps.

On a sadder note, The Scot and I are definitely over. I am both sad and a bit relieved by this, although it didn't end particularly well. It's a bit tricky to explain, but suffice it say he blames me and I refuse to accept 100% responsibility for a relationship that had the both of us in it. I think we both did well at not bringing the relationship into work, but while we did talk about work to a degree (something I was never really comfortable with), the past several weeks I've felt like he was interrogating me. He got the feeling I was 'playing' him. For someone who prides himself on reading people, he couldn't see that I was uncomfortable and reluctant to discuss what he was asking me about. For my part, I simply did not say that I was reluctant and uncomfortable. He has since accused me of lying about what was going on and he's hurt and feeling disrespected on a personal level because of it, after giving me every opportunity to talk about it. I respect that he takes honesty very seriously. I shut down when confronted with uncomfortable things and it's not that I lie - I omit. Definitely a gray area, I know. My take on this whole thing? Two imperfect people who liked each other really a lot fumbled their way into a relationship with ghosts of past relationships tagging unceremoniously along with them, and subconsciously or otherwise, brought in the same reactions and expectations and sabotaged it. I REALLY, REALLY need to communicate things so that I set healthy boundaries, garner a little respect for myself and learn that what I like, need and want is also important and necessary in a relationship. I compromise far too much to please other people and keep the peace and it backfires every single time. Compromising what I want and need only hurts me in the end.

I don't want to spend time overanalyzing things and wondering what coulda, shoulda, woulda happened because that will just make things more cloudy. It doesn't help him, however, that he called one of the other installers on Monday morning and ranted down the phone to him (prior to 'having a chat' with me at work) then got into it again with him on Tuesday morning, afterwards having words with my manager. She's sufficiently fed up with his attitude and lack of work that she's decided to manage him out. He's really shot himself in the foot with the way he's been acting lately. I've had a couple of good chats with her about the whole thing and while I'm not proud of acting so unconsciously when I was trying hard not to repeat my past mistakes, I do not regret for one instant getting involved with him. He has many redeeming qualities (as we all do), but also some not-so redeeming ones that he needs to see and pay attention to (as we all do). Much of this stems from his background (rather dark, lots of street smarts, having to keep on your toes and be hyper-aware of what's going on around you), but I suspect that on some deeper level he's actually looking for things to prove his suspicions are correct that you're untrustworthy, a liar, a cheat, etc. The installer he argued with said that he doesn't like talking with The Scot because he manipulates a conversation and when I heard that, my little inner voice went 'ping!' as that was a big issue in my last relationship.

Anyway, that's enough of that. I accept that I have some responsibility for the way this ended, but am obviously getting ready to move on and start fresh - again - in the New Forest.

Monday, May 25, 2015

Overdue update



Can't really seem to get focused to update more regularly these days.

I guess the biggest news is that I've finally quit my job. I sincerely hate it and although I'm staying longer than I'd like (to June 19), at least I'm actually going this time. It's been too much of a struggle since the new year and I'm done. My heart was actually done a long time ago, but my head (stupid ego!) kept going 'okay!' to new work options. My boss was away for two weeks, the MD should have been there - but wasn't - and, well, I just hate it. It's that simple. Simply cannot find the love for insulation. And there's far too much chaos. I see the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel, I'm just not prepared to spend more time chasing it.

Plus, it's making me sick. That I know for sure. Apart from the perimenopause - finally got a prescription to stop the bleeding! - I've been stressed, frustrated and angry, which doesn't help. I'm going to take some time off, get myself healthy again and start fresh with work. I'm going back to the New Forest, to my cousin's place. Somewhere I can feel relaxed, comfortable and get myself back on track, so I can start making rational decisions again. I'm so far from where I was when I arrived and I think I knew that even at Christmas, when I went back to this job knowing it was completely wrong for me. I ignored my instincts - again - and this is what happens. I'm also becoming increasingly aware that I compromise myself to please other people far too often.

The only thing I'll miss is the Scot. We've been spending time together in Brighton - which is lovely - and I spent a whole week with him last week. He cooked for me, ran baths for me after my runs, I got to talk with him and wake up beside him...a whole week of spoiling and it was marvelous. Just what I needed! We're planning another visit to Brighton, a couple of picnics and a week in Scotland. Then it'll be the process of easing off until I leave because we both know that once I leave London, it's over. I'm trying not to think that far ahead, but I can honestly say I've enjoyed every single minute I've spent with him and it was worth following through with "this."

Even though I'll be miserable as sin when it's actually over.

My cousin from Canada was here at the beginning of the month and my auntie, cousin and I went to London to meet her and her partner. I hadn't met him before, but he's a great guy and they're really happy, which is all that matters in the long run. They were staying at the Savoy (she works for Fairmont, so gets a big discount) and we went to an Italian restaurant nearby and had a very long, enjoyable lunch. Then we had a short walk and went back to the hotel for cocktails. There's a menu. The most expensive cocktail - and why you would even drink it, I have no idea - is £5000. That's correct: £5000. It's called Old Sarazen, and there's a single bottle of 1858 whisky so a limited number of drinks. Still... I can check the Savoy off my bucket list, although I'd still like to ask my cousin for a 'friends & family' rate and stay just one night. Likely would have to eat at McDonald's for a couple of months afterwards, but what a fab thing to do! Tea at the Ritz is now on my bucket list as well: a measly £77 for a champagne tea. A girl has to have some fabulous-ness on her bucket list, right? :)

I'll be giving notice on my (depressing) room on June 1st. It means I don't have to put aside any money for rent in June, and still have July to organize myself. I'll be able to get myself a little bit ahead with savings and expenses which will be really nice. I still have Hadrian's Wall with Jane to look forward to in September!

Friday, April 10, 2015

Income Tax(es)!


Beachy Head, from which Canadians who are 'deemed non-residents' of Canada according to the CRA fling themselves in frustration when trying to file their tax returns.

This is not true, although there are many other poor souls who do jump.

However, this Canadian is finding out all sorts of fun things about being a 'deemed non-resident' (not living in Canada but still having ties by means of a bank account in my case). Not only do I have to claim any income I make in Canada (I cashed out an RRSP last year), but also any income I make OUTSIDE Canada - my world income. In Canadian dollars, no less.

WTF.

I suppose it's a good thing that I'm not raking in considerable dough. This is going to be an interesting month.

Friday, April 3, 2015

Checking in


Birthday flowers from my not-so-secret-except-at-work-admirer!

So what's been going on exactly?
  • it was my birthday yesterday and it was a lovely, low-key day spent with my sister who came up on Wednesday (and is currently en route to France for a big walk); dinner and drinks with my friend and The Scot; phone call with my brother; a couple of cards, thoughtful gifts and just feeling very happy and blessed.
  • Have been out several more times with The Scot. We've sat down and had a grown up chat about "this" and made each other very happy by realizing we both wanted to pursue it. He's asked me if I will read to him, which I thought was really neat. He's chosen Bram Stoker's "Dracula" to start, and I've bought a book that I read a couple of years ago and loved, and from the sounds of things, that he will too. But that's for after "Dracula." He wants my interpretation, thoughts and excitement of a story as well as hearing it in my voice (which he apparently likes). So... :)
  • I go from feeling really great at work to hating it, sometimes within minutes, so I really have to figure out - in my head and my heart - what I need to do about that. Updating my resume will be the first thing, getting a couple of copies printed off and handed out (Costa in town is hiring) will do me good, and starting to try and focus on what brings me happiness outside of work would be a good idea, rather than just hiding behind computer games all the time once I make it home every night.
  • Health-wise I'm doing a bit better than I was several weeks ago. I've been to the doctor twice recently, however, because I'm concerned about my monthly cycle. I've been "on" (as they say here) for 6 full weeks now and I'm fed up to be honest. I realize that I'm now at an age where I'm most likely in pre-menopause, but I'd like to rule out anything else and just want it to stop. The doctor wrote me a prescription for something that's supposed to stem the flow (but only during heavy days) but it doesn't seem to work, although I should give it more than just one try I suppose. I'm supposed to take it on heavy days and for no more than 3 days, but every day is a moderate to heavy day and I can't judge past that, so can I take it weekly? At any rate, I have to call on Tuesday for my bloodwork results then make another appointment with the doctor to do a few further tests and then...who knows? *sigh*
  • My sister (the energy worker) has the alternative suggestion that I'm purging 'something' from my body (literally & figuratively) and that it has something to do with the past and our upbringing.It does make sense - she seems to think that once I've made up my mind about clearing a few things up (job?) that it will stop when I have cleared "it" out. This makes sense to me, so I have a couple of days right now to focus a little bit on what I need to do and sort myself out.
  • Otherwise, I've been pretty happy. I've had a couple of weekends in the Forest, getting caught up with my cousin and a friend, cat sitting, etc. Have been reading a couple of books that I'm enjoying (The Time Traveller's Guide to Elizabethan England" and "Finding Your Own North Star") and have just bought myself a colouring book and coloured pencils!
I'm really glad it's a long weekend! Hope you all have a great one!

Friday, March 13, 2015

Date details...for real! :)


While the day wasn't so great at work - one of the installers mentioned I didn't "look very happy today" - the evening WAS.

I opted to just wear something I'd be comfortable in, rather than feeling not entirely myself in a dress or something, even though I have a dress that I really like.

He picked me up (!) and we went for Thai food at a place in a village called Weybridge, which is very well-heeled (has the street with the priciest real estate in England so that should tell you a bit about the High Street too) and about 15 minutes drive. He ordered the wine - I don't usually drink it, but...okay! - and bought dinner and we spent three hours just chatting. The restaurant actually closed at 10:30, but we were there until 11:00, along with a couple of other tables. The servers were hovering a bit, bless them.

The food for the most part was delicious. He had some prawns which were a bit overdone, but overall it was terrific. If there's one thing I like to do, it's eat, so I think I have a box very firmly ticked there.

He's funny and interesting and entertaining and easy to talk to, even though he goes off in tangents. I do the same thing if I'm honest. It can take me ages to make a point, if I even get there, which I don't always. He told me he finds me really hard to read - I do tend to play my cards pretty much superglued to my chest - so was (pleasantly, I hope) surprised to find out that I was working up the courage to ask him out, pretty much the same way he asked me. So there's definitely a mutal attraction, which is always a good way to start...something. The co-worker aspect is a bit awkward, but as this isn't a "thing" yet, I think we're okay.

But I had one of the nicest evenings I've had in a very long time. And first 'not a date' has become 'second not a date.' We're going out to the coast on Sunday, so plenty of time to talk. :)