Saturday, 6 June 2015

More changes and stuff...

One of the breathtaking cakes created at Choccywoccydoodah in Brighton.

Two more weeks of work to go! I still regret (a bit) not negotiating the 12th June instead of the 19th, but here I am, with the end in sight - at last! I don't feel unhappy about it at all and am looking forward to simply not being at work. I'm planning at least a couple of weeks off, just to relax and try to organize my thoughts and my plans and spend time doing a bit of sightseeing around the area. My sister has suggested I go to France and visit her (in Toulouse) for a few days, which I'm seriously thinking about. I just have to try to justify the expense, although I can get pretty cheap flights out of London. I haven't been anywhere 'international' yet, so the lure is definitely there. Hmm..

I saw a psychic last Friday which was great! She was lovely and the reading was very positive overall, and actually mirrored my reading in January in several aspects which I found quite neat. Namely, my current job and the fact it's not for me, I'll be moving onto another one that is and which will include learning (possibly a language!), and a new, proper love. Horses were mentioned, money was mentioned, travel/work 'over water' was mentioned (she seems convinced I'll be moving back to Canada for work and not too far in the future. I don't believe this or, rather, I don't WANT to believe this...not yet, at least). I recorded this one as well, so it will be interesting to spend some time reviewing and seeing what information overlaps.

On a sadder note, The Scot and I are definitely over. I am both sad and a bit relieved by this, although it didn't end particularly well. It's a bit tricky to explain, but suffice it say he blames me and I refuse to accept 100% responsibility for a relationship that had the both of us in it. I think we both did well at not bringing the relationship into work, but while we did talk about work to a degree (something I was never really comfortable with), the past several weeks I've felt like he was interrogating me. He got the feeling I was 'playing' him. For someone who prides himself on reading people, he couldn't see that I was uncomfortable and reluctant to discuss what he was asking me about. For my part, I simply did not say that I was reluctant and uncomfortable. He has since accused me of lying about what was going on and he's hurt and feeling disrespected on a personal level because of it, after giving me every opportunity to talk about it. I respect that he takes honesty very seriously. I shut down when confronted with uncomfortable things and it's not that I lie - I omit. Definitely a gray area, I know. My take on this whole thing? Two imperfect people who liked each other really a lot fumbled their way into a relationship with ghosts of past relationships tagging unceremoniously along with them, and subconsciously or otherwise, brought in the same reactions and expectations and sabotaged it. I REALLY, REALLY need to communicate things so that I set healthy boundaries, garner a little respect for myself and learn that what I like, need and want is also important and necessary in a relationship. I compromise far too much to please other people and keep the peace and it backfires every single time. Compromising what I want and need only hurts me in the end.

I don't want to spend time overanalyzing things and wondering what coulda, shoulda, woulda happened because that will just make things more cloudy. It doesn't help him, however, that he called one of the other installers on Monday morning and ranted down the phone to him (prior to 'having a chat' with me at work) then got into it again with him on Tuesday morning, afterwards having words with my manager. She's sufficiently fed up with his attitude and lack of work that she's decided to manage him out. He's really shot himself in the foot with the way he's been acting lately. I've had a couple of good chats with her about the whole thing and while I'm not proud of acting so unconsciously when I was trying hard not to repeat my past mistakes, I do not regret for one instant getting involved with him. He has many redeeming qualities (as we all do), but also some not-so redeeming ones that he needs to see and pay attention to (as we all do). Much of this stems from his background (rather dark, lots of street smarts, having to keep on your toes and be hyper-aware of what's going on around you), but I suspect that on some deeper level he's actually looking for things to prove his suspicions are correct that you're untrustworthy, a liar, a cheat, etc. The installer he argued with said that he doesn't like talking with The Scot because he manipulates a conversation and when I heard that, my little inner voice went 'ping!' as that was a big issue in my last relationship.

Anyway, that's enough of that. I accept that I have some responsibility for the way this ended, but am obviously getting ready to move on and start fresh - again - in the New Forest.


its me, sam said...

It sounds as if he was meant to be there to reaffirm what you really want and to help guide you! Hugs from across the pond!javascript:void(0)

Northern Living Allowance said...

Hi Sam: I agree with you - I have learned, rather, it's been reaffirmed for me in this relationship what I need to do in the future. I deserve to get what I want too, and that, I believe, is my biggest struggle. The hugs are gratefully received! xx

Jane said...

Oh Annie - what you've written sure does put a different spin on things. But isn't just so true that there is good and bad in everyone? And also true that we tend to be drawn to those patterns we've lived before. Women are caregivers and always seem to be the compromisers in relationships, I know I was also. I guess being really clear of what you want in a relationship would help but we often get so carried away with our feelings at the beginning of a relationship (rose coloured glasses and all that) that it takes awhile before we see the whole person or realize our needs are not being met. It is going to be SO healing for you to be back in the Forest. <3