Saturday, 10 January 2015

Finding some direction - in just a week!

This time last week I was feeling melancholy and a bit directionless. I was looking forward to a reading from a psychic and needing to talk with my friend on Monday when we started back at work.

Thanks for your comments and support. It means a lot and honestly helped.

I was dreading the drive to Chertsey on Monday morning, and of course didn't sleep well the night before because of it. When I arrived I was tired, which always makes things seem worse than they are (because then you start to look for - and find! - things like: why no one loves you or ever will and why you suck at work/in general and why am I here and what's going on in the world anyway, etc., etc., ad naseum). The first thing my friend said to me was, "You and I are having a conversation this morning." !! So we did.

The peanut shell version of the "Friend as Boss" chat is this: I am NOT obligated to stay at this job if I'm not happy or if something better comes along (I was feeling like I'd trapped myself by saying 'yes,' when that is quite distinctly NOT the case); she separated the friend vs business aspect of things; I have a new job title and a new wage starting Feb 1; there is a 6-month probationary period on said new position; I went to look at a room; and I feel a gazillion times better.

The new job title is Admin Supervisor and comes with a £2k - £3k p/yr raise (!) and I'm absolutely fine with the probationary period. I'm not convinced it's for me (or me for it), so having a finite period of time gives everyone options.

The room I saw was much nicer, brighter and bigger than it looks online (as they tend to be), it was in a good location and the price is definitely right, but the kitchen is teensy and it just doesn't have the tranquil, comfortable aura that I'm looking for. More student-ish than professional grown-up. I sent a query for a room that's just a few minutes drive away which I think will be more comfortable, so we'll see what happens with that. I can't say I'm putting considerable effort into it necessarily, but I feel much better for being proactive, even if I get so ridiculously picky/fussy that nothing ever comes of it.

The first part of the week started off well, but ended with a bit of a bump only because I was so tired after the first full week back. I have incomplete work on my desk and lost my mojo halfway through Thursday AND Friday. Our office junior wasn't in Wed & Thurs because she didn't have any bus fare. Friday we got paid and she tried, but the Transit Gods weren't on her side and she texted at 11:00 to say she'd been waiting 45 minutes for a bus. We sent her home because it just wasn't worth her coming in at that point as we were winding up at 4pm anyway. It just means work remains undone and looming, so we're considering a new junior. Preferably one who has a car and can get to work when we need them. Anyway, it's a discussion for next week. I'm going to have a gentle conversation with her before my friend brings down the hammer. So that's disappointing. We're hoping she has a good think over the weekend and decides that it's not the best job for her after all.

Otherwise I think I've been doing much better as the "obligation weight" has lifted and I'm not feeling so trapped. Even the commute has been better, partially because I've actually been sleeping much better! 

It was a quiet week, no installers (they're back on Monday) and for the most part just me and my friend in the office. It was nice, actually. Quite chill.

This morning I took myself to the psychic. It was an hour's drive (easy peasy these days) to a very pretty market town called Farnham. She has a delightful little cottage just off the High Street and I spent an hour with her. I recorded it and I'm really glad I did, as I wouldn't remember half of it had I not. She said she doesn't usually let people record it unless they ask, and she's glad I was able to as it was a lot even for her.

She does several tarot card spreads and elaborates on that. But, for the sake of clarity (and the fact I have to review it again) this are the basics of what she said:

  • I arrived (at the appointment) with my guardian angel, who she could see. He and I have been together in a past life; there was also materal energy around me, likely my maternal grandmother. She vists and sits with me at night sometimes apparently. They are there to let me know I'm not alone, although I feel like I am.
  • There was a 'baby' card (The Empress) which didn't really make any sense to me because children aren't something I've ever spent much time considering, although I have lost one in the past, so that's possibly where that came from.
  • Sadly, the handsome Scot does not feature (as I'd like) in my future, although a mad crush is never a bad thing. There is definitely a man, however.
  • There was a lot of information coming in which she said was quite scattered and seemed a bit unrelated, but would all eventually mesh together as it's meant to.
  • The job is not what I want either (true) and doing admin work isn't what I love, but a new job will come after I meet this mystery man, which is approximately six months time. I need to stay put (home wise), so the commute is, at this point, a necessary evil so to speak. If I move, I won't meet this man, you see...
  • She touched on feeling lonely and depressed; I need to stop "opening the box" on my last relationship, lock it up and be done with it for good.
  • My concerns/issues/worries over money are affecting my health (!), so I need to just deal with it - do what needs to be done - and let it go and simply believe and trust that I have enough.
  • Any and all decisions must be made with my heart; letting my head get involved will be disastrous. I'm far, far more spiritually sensitive than I acknowledge and have to remain open to that, pay attention and just know that my heart will never steer me wrong.
  • People see me much differently than I see myself; I'm not allowing myself to really be me, to my own detriment.
  • I'm staying in England. Canada is more or less done and dusted, and I'll return for visits, but not to live, at least not for another decade or so.
  • This man is "IT" - the love I've been waiting for and wanting and I'll end up moving to be with him - not necessily moving in with him to start, but definitely close, to be with him. Ultimately we will end up living together though ("marriage", but not necessarily married - committed).
  • I get in my own way...I know what I need to do, I just don't do it... :P
There's more, but I need to listen to it again a couple of times. I found myself in tears several times during the reading, but not unhappy tears. It's more I felt...overwhelmed, but not in a bad way. It's hard to describe exactly.

Overall, it's been a good week. The installers are back on Monday, including The Crush (which I'm looking forward to regardless of how he figures - or doesn't - in my future) and I have things to plan for and look forward to and take care of.

Clarity is nice.


its me, sam said...

Ohhhh... sounds exciting! Keep us posted, won't you? It's a good feeling getting some clarity!

Jane said...

Wow, that's a lot to process! I'm glad you have some space with the job now, you won't feel trapped which is a huge relief!
I love the advice about the last relationship because it's advice I need to apply as well - close THAT box once and for all - one really can't move on otherwise and if THE ONE is out there for you then you need to get ready!!