Sunday, January 4, 2015

Feeling a bit melancholy...


Only 4 days in and I'm feeling a bit melancholy and am having difficulty gathering enthusiasm for the new year. I think part of the melancholy is that it's my dad's birthday today. He would have been 83, but has been gone for 33 years. I'm almost the same age he was when he died and sometimes reflecting on things makes me wonder who I'd be, what I'd be like, what I'd be doing, etc., if he were still here to guide me. He is, of course, but just in a different form.

But of course I am who I am and where I am partly because he isn't here. There's still unresolved & untouched grief, which is incomprehensible to some people, but I think I've mentioned before that I work really hard at keeping my emotions under lock & key. Although, as I get older, I find them sneaking out unexpectedly, so perhaps this year I really just need to be okay with them as they are and let them come and go as they need to.

Otherwise, generally things are a bit...I'll say unclear. I'm broke. I still have a list of car repairs (which is why I'm broke), I'm not convinced that my job is where I'm going to be by the end of the year, unless something really big happens (a move &/or more solid staff/managing), and I'm struggling at this point not to just say 'F&*!k it' and give up on everything and go to bed for a year instead.

Being proactive is the key, I think. Searching out rooms that are closer to work, going to see them and chatting with people about them, will do wonders for my mindset. There are some really lovely places out there. Being able to have a LIFE outside work is vital, and that's the part that's eluded me since I started this job. There's a gym in Chertsey, but unless I'm nearby, there doesn't seem much point joining at the moment (plus, I have no cash to do so). One thing at a time. I think that's a good place to start.

Too much sugar and junk over the holidays, feeling unfocused and the "re-impending" commute have all conspired to gang up on me and make me a bit morose. I think I need to have a conversation with my friend about the job and where she honestly thinks it's going and let her know that while I trust and have faith in her that there's a proverbial light & tunnel thing happening, I don't have the same trust & faith in the managing director and if he can't pull his thumb out in the next 6 months, I'm going to look for something else. I'm making £20 a week more than I was when I was working at the hospital and it's so not worth it right now.

Anyway, thanks for listening all. Hope your New Year is off to a better start than mine! xx

5 comments:

MW said...

I've always believed that the depth of grief is proportional to the significance (positive or negative) of the relationship. It's a painful thing, and we humans don't always want to contend with it.

Big hug from Canada (until that handsome Scotsman steps up...) while you are working through this. Be gentle to yourself.

ps. I can totally relate to the sugar etc. overload. I'll need to be detoxing for a month to get rid of it all.

T'Pol said...

I can relate to what you have said about your dad. I was only 27 when he passed away and that was 21 years ago. His birthday is January 15th and the the date of his death is February 20th so, this time of the year is pretty difficult for me as well. Lack of sunshine and cold weather makes it worse. We had a great relationship and I miss him so much.

Hang in there. I am sure you will get through this difficult time. Hugs...

Jane said...

My comment got too long so I copied and pasted into facebook messenger :)

The Asian Pear said...

No words. Just hugs. *HUGS*

Northern Living Allowance said...

Thank you, ladies. xxxxx