Saturday, 29 December 2012

Another goodbye

December is the time of year when you typically think, "out with the old, in with the new." It's the time of closure, cleaning out, endings, making way for new goals, resolutions and a brand spanking new year, full of possibilities.

So, I suppose it is symbolic that I had to say goodbye to another kitty on Thursday. My tiny princess Dinah passed quietly on Thursday afternoon, surrounded by those who loved her. I made the decision that morning, after spending too much time cleaning up around the apartment (she'd taken to peeing outside the litter box). My head and my heart aligned with a 'click,' and I even went to speak with the vet for a few minutes. I hated feeling like I was giving up on her and I hated that money (or lack of) also had to be part of the decision. The harsh reality hurts.

I had hit a wall and was frustrated, stressed out, and tired (for both of us). Intellectually I understand that most often the kindest thing for a suffering animal is to let them go, but until your heart is in line with that, you just keep going, hoping for a miracle or an answer to fall out of the sky. It was when I really, truly understood that I was keeping her alive for ME, that it was "easier" to realize I needed to let her go.

My landlady left work to collect us, drive us to the vet and came in to say goodbye while Dinah passed. Once again, she's amazing and I am so, so thankful to have her around.

It was harder to let go of Dinah because I've had her the whole time I've been in the Yukon. I got her a month after I arrived and she's been my one constant thing for 6.5 years. Through everything, I've had Dinah. She was a sweet cat, sociable and joyful, a pretty calico. According to the vet, she was an unusual calico because she loved attention and was so easy to work with. Apparently that's not generally the case, so I'm happy she was so well-liked among the staff.

Tiny princess Dinah, 2003 - 2012.

As well, coming only 17 days after Joey's passing made it that much more difficult. My tiny girl has left a very big hole behind. I really miss her. Even Bylaw has been looking for her, wandering around and chirping. He's been stuck to me like glue from the moment I got home on Thursday.

It's just me and Bylaw now, which is strange. I've never not had a houseful of cats (okay, 2 or 3) and it feels very empty around here without the activity, warm bodies and companionship. I'll adjust, obviously, but won't be getting another one (or two) to fill the space, as much as I'd like to. I'm done for a while.

At this point, I have other things I'd like to do, that I feel I need to do, and having an animal will tie me down. I don't consider them a burden, nor do I regret a single penny I spend on them, but I'm feeling a little bit freer to make different choices now. Despite the unconditional love and pleasure that a pet brings you, there are costs involved, sometimes substantial ones, and the money I would be spending on vet bills can now be directed towards debt, costs of living and the future. It's a hard truth, but I am relieved that I have given her peace and myself less stress. I can focus on school without worrying about her.

I hope everyone has a safe, happy New Year. Best wishes for a prosperous, 
joyful and dream-filled 2013!


Jolie said...

I am so sorry to hear of her loss. I would be so sad to lose the companionship and love of my cats.

Reyna said...

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I think you expressed beautifully how even though it is the right thing it is still a void that takes time to heal. I bet many people can relate to your sharing. Thank you

Dannie said...

Aww, that is such sad news about your cat. They can mean so much to us, it can be sad to let them go, even if it is for the best.x

its me, sam said...

Sorry to read abut the loss of your kitty. :(

saving for travel said...

Oh, you poor thing, this really is so sad and too soon.


Sft x

MW said...

OH NO! This has not been an easy end of the year for you. Tough tough decisions and oh so heart wrenching.

I wish you Much Peace and Joy for now and in 2013.

ND Chic said...

Northern, I'm sorry for your loss. It's never easy to make that decision. I'm hoping your New Year goes better.

Gill - That British Woman said...

oh dear me, that is awful. I am so sorry for your loss.


Canadian Saver said...

I'm really sorry to hear about Dinah's passing :( My condolences on your loss {{{hugs}}}

T'Pol said...

I am so sorry... It must very sad for you. Hugs!

Northern Living Allowance said...

Thank you everyone. I appreciate your words of support. I'm starting to feel better, lighter somehow, knowing we've both had this...release of sorts. I still look for her, as does Bylaw, but we'll adjust. I know she was happy with me and although her journey was short, it meant a lot to me to have her in my life. If you have a pet, please give them a hug from me, Bylaw and my little girl. xx

The Asian Pear said...

I'm so sorry I only saw this post now. And so soon after Joey's passing too. I know both cats were suffering. I'm so sorry for your loss. *hugs*

Karen E said...

My heart goes out to you. It's so hard losing two so closely together.

Laura said...

I am so sorry to hear about this NLA. Sending you a huge hug.