So, I suppose it is symbolic that I had to say goodbye to another kitty on Thursday. My tiny princess Dinah passed quietly on Thursday afternoon, surrounded by those who loved her. I made the decision that morning, after spending too much time cleaning up around the apartment (she'd taken to peeing outside the litter box). My head and my heart aligned with a 'click,' and I even went to speak with the vet for a few minutes. I hated feeling like I was giving up on her and I hated that money (or lack of) also had to be part of the decision. The harsh reality hurts.
I had hit a wall and was frustrated, stressed out, and tired (for both of us). Intellectually I understand that most often the kindest thing for a suffering animal is to let them go, but until your heart is in line with that, you just keep going, hoping for a miracle or an answer to fall out of the sky. It was when I really, truly understood that I was keeping her alive for ME, that it was "easier" to realize I needed to let her go.
My landlady left work to collect us, drive us to the vet and came in to say goodbye while Dinah passed. Once again, she's amazing and I am so, so thankful to have her around.
It was harder to let go of Dinah because I've had her the whole time I've been in the Yukon. I got her a month after I arrived and she's been my one constant thing for 6.5 years. Through everything, I've had Dinah. She was a sweet cat, sociable and joyful, a pretty calico. According to the vet, she was an unusual calico because she loved attention and was so easy to work with. Apparently that's not generally the case, so I'm happy she was so well-liked among the staff.
Tiny princess Dinah, 2003 - 2012.
As well, coming only 17 days after Joey's passing made it that much more difficult. My tiny girl has left a very big hole behind. I really miss her. Even Bylaw has been looking for her, wandering around and chirping. He's been stuck to me like glue from the moment I got home on Thursday.
It's just me and Bylaw now, which is strange. I've never not had a houseful of cats (okay, 2 or 3) and it feels very empty around here without the activity, warm bodies and companionship. I'll adjust, obviously, but won't be getting another one (or two) to fill the space, as much as I'd like to. I'm done for a while.
At this point, I have other things I'd like to do, that I feel I need to do, and having an animal will tie me down. I don't consider them a burden, nor do I regret a single penny I spend on them, but I'm feeling a little bit freer to make different choices now. Despite the unconditional love and pleasure that a pet brings you, there are costs involved, sometimes substantial ones, and the money I would be spending on vet bills can now be directed towards debt, costs of living and the future. It's a hard truth, but I am relieved that I have given her peace and myself less stress. I can focus on school without worrying about her.
I hope everyone has a safe, happy New Year. Best wishes for a prosperous,
joyful and dream-filled 2013!