Saturday, 4 February 2012

Slacker Saturday

I had grand plans for today - sort of. I was going to declutter the kitchen, but that hasn't happened yet. I was going to get to those long, long, long, etc. overdue emails that I owe people. That hasn't happened either. Where HAS my morning gone? Well, I've been reading all the updates on your blogs...um....okay, so I need a little motivation...

I DID however, do something I've never done before - write a letter to someone as the result of a TV show. I've discovered "Undercover Boss" (anyone?) and love it. The inaugural Canadian one was on the other night - the CEO of the Toronto Zoo, John Taragno, got to go undercover and clean gorilla poo! And penguin poo! And human poo! What a trooper. Anyhow, I was so moved by the custodian he worked with that I wrote a letter to Mr. Taragno. I hope he doesn't think I'm a total wingnut.

I have very fond memories of visiting the Zoo when I was growing up, and the show aired almost exactly 31 years to the date of my dad's death, in 1981. Mr. Taragno had recently lost his own dad and I must have got something in my eyes because they were tearing up at one point. The utterly, utterly lovely custodian had lost one of her daughters and she and her husband wrote letters to her to help them deal with their grief. She had written a beautiful letter to Mr. Taragno's undercover persona "Jim" to suggest that he do the same to help him with his grief about his dad. I have been struggling for a way to connect with my dad and as soon as she explained what she did, I knew that was what I had to do, too. She was Amazing.

I don't believe in coincidences, so I made up my mind right then and there that I would write a letter to let him know how much the show meant to me. My goal is to now spend a day at the Zoo when I'm there in July, and I will do what I can to make that happen. I have loose plans to spend my only full day in Toronto with a friend I haven't seen in 15 years and I'm going to suggest that she & I spend a day at the Zoo. I think she'd be okay with this.

Now I just don't really feel like doing anything else. I'll make a point of going through my kitchen and putting some things on the table where I'm collecting my items for sale/donation/disposal, but I feel a little bit drained to be honest. Coming to terms with the fact that I have feelings and it's okay to actually FEEL them (bad, sad, happy, angry, whatever) after 44 years of repressing them is a big deal. And a lot harder than I thought. I've only just made the connection, for example, that the reason I'm not a happy person is the fact that  I haven't completely dealt with my dad's death so long ago. I was a happy kid, but then my dad died and we were left with my mum, who really couldn't cope and fun literally disappeared from my life, replaced with shame, guilt and condemnation. It's embarrassing and a bit shameful when people ask what I do for fun, and I don't really have an answer. Because I don't have fun. The depression I've been in and out of for the past 30 years stems from the fact that I wasn't allowed to grieve for my dad when I was a kid - everything else has just built it up, obscuring that fact and adding layers of untruths, repressed feelings and beliefs to it.

I'm just so afraid that if I start grieving (aka, crying) I won't be able to stop. I just don't know what to do with all that rage and sadness and grief that would well up and overflow. But holding onto it is just making me sick, depressed, unhappy, cold...

Wow...this post turned out much differently than I expected. That letter was obviously very cathartic at some level.

Thank you all for being so awesome that you'd listen to this, too.

12 comments:

just tututiny said...

I hope you feel better my dear!

Hope you will visit my blog and enter my GIVEAWAY!
Just Tututiny

Jane said...

Wow. That was some day you had there, and I wouldn't say you were a slacker. You dealt with some long overdue feelings and I think you need to keep allowing them some release, a bit at a time. What an incredible gift that TV show was and I'm glad you allowed yourself to FEEL. You'll sleep well tonight!
Take care.

Gill - That British Woman said...

I saw the show and thought it was a neat thing that custodian did. I am glad you were able to release some of the feelings you had buried all those years.

One thing I found interesting was that all the items that were given to those folk were "donated." I didn't click why until the end of the show, when I realized that the zoo is government owned.

Great show though.

Gill

Canadian Saver said...

{{{hugs}}} hope you feel better today :-)

Debby said...

Hugs your way, the loss of a parent is so hard as a child. I lost my mother at 3 years old, the adults around me did the best they knew how but in the end as a young adult I had to do the healing by myself. Give yourself time, I know your Dad is by your side in this journey.

www.greenworldbvi.com said...

The zoo is just an awesome place. Not just for kids, but for adults too. Do follow-up and go!

Laura said...

My favorite posts are ones that turn out differently. because its like something takes over and gets out what you're really thinking/feeling.

Sending you a huge hug! Sometimes we have to shatter a bit so that light can shine where it couldn't before :)

Northern Living Allowance said...

Thanks for your thoughts and hugs, everyone! Much appreciated. I mailed my letter this morning, sent it with love, so I hope it reaches the intended person. We'll see.

Thanks for being so awesome! :)

Middle Way said...

I would disagree with the term "Slacker".

Emotional work is the hardest (knock the stuffings out of you)type of work, in my opinion.

And being moved in such a way is a gift. It reminds us there is that soft, gentle spot in us.

The "lower hanging fruit" work will always be around for the picking.

Remember to be gentle with yourself. What you have going on is tough stuff and you are tougher than you realized.

Jolie said...

hugsss

You've been tagged. see my page for details.

PS - the deleted comment was mine. I hit post before I could preview it.

Ella said...

I love that you wrote the letter and sent it - that was a really great thing to do. Hope you feel better. Take care.

Two Degrees said...

Hey there! I just came across your blog through Asian Pear's and added you to my feed. I thought I'd tag you :)

http://twodegreesofunemployment.blogspot.com/2012/02/tagged.html